Public Access Nibelheim
by Nightmares of the Soul
Summary: What happens cheap local cable meets the characters of Final Fantasy VII? Public access just got....interesting....O.o
1. Storytime With Sephiroth

# **Storytime With Sephiroth**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

Sephiroth stared distastefully at the set around him. "Why must it look like a clown threw up in here? You can't honestly expect ME to go through with this." 

The director smiled and handed Sephiroth a small book. "Well, sir, you DID sign a contract, which means that you agreed to be the host of 'Story time with Sephiroth'." 

Sephiroth glared daggers at the director and took a seat on the only chair in the room-which is really sized for a 5 year old. In the meantime, 10 hyperactive boys and girls, all around 4-7 years in age plopped down in front of the silverhaired bishounen and gazed up at him expectantly. Sephiroth raised a brow at them and sighed heavily. Suddenly a sickeningly happy woman's voice starts singing, backed by chimes and a folk guitar. "It's stoooory tiiiime! Yes it's stoooory tiiime, with...sephiroooooth!" 

"By Jenova, what have I gotten myself into?" Sephiroth rolled his eyes and stared at the children. 

A plump, red-faced boy raised a sticky hand. 

"What?" 

The boy pulled his sucker from his mouth. "Can we call you Uncle Sephy?" All the children began bouncing up and down on their bums excitedly. 

"No you may not." 

"Why not?" 

"Because you are mere mortals, while I am the son of the last, true ancient. You are not worthy to lick the chocobo crap from my boot. Now shut up and let me get over with this." Sephiroth opened the book. "This week's story is called Rumplestiltskin." 

"Ooh!" A blonde, pig-tailed girl jumped up in the back. "I've heard this one before!" 

Sephiroth glared at her until she sat back down. "Once upon a time there lived a poor farmer and his daughter. The farmer's name was Cloud, and his daughter Aeris. They both got in the way of the all powerful king, and he was left with no alternative but to kill them both. The end." 

"Um..." The same blonde spoke up. "That's not how it goes." 

"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!" Sephiroth grabbed Masamune and knocked his small chair over. 

"Well you're wrong!" The blonde stuck her tongue out. 

"INSOLENT-OW!" Sephiroth looked down to find a small boy kicking him in the shins repeatedly. "BOL-" 

"AHEM!" Sephiroth looked at the director who was tapping the contract. "It specifically says in here no killing of the children or any guests on the show." 

Sephiroth grit his teeth together, righted his chair and opened the book again. "Fine. Once upon a time there lived a poor farmer and his beautiful daughter. The farmer was so proud of his daughter that he often would brag to his friends of her skills. One day, a young man overheard the farmer boasting that his daughter could spin straw into gold." 

"No one can spin straw into gold." 

"That's not the point." Sephiroth smoothed some of his bangs from his eyes and continued. "'Can she REALLY spin straw into gold?' asked the young man. 'Oh yes!' replied the farmer, 'she-'" 

"That farmer is a liar." 

"Again, that's not the point. 'Well if your daughter can truly spin straw into gold, then-'" 

"That guy's gonna get mad when he finds out she can't really do it. I bet he's gonna do somethin mean, like take away all their pokemon cards or somethin'." 

Sephiroth stared down at the child, glanced at the director, and promptly bopped the nuisance on the head with the butt of Masamune. The child slumped over onto the ground and the great general smiled. "To make up for lost time due to our little distraction, the young man turned out to be the prince, and the farmer's daughter was taken before the king, along with her father. 

"'If your daughter can spin straw into gold on three consecutive nights, then she shall have my son's hand in marriage. If she canNOT complete the task, then I shall have you both beheaded for telling such lies.' 

"That very night, the daughter was locked in the tower with merely a spinningwheel and a pile of straw. Overcome with grief, she began to cry. Much to her surprise, a small little man appeared before her. 

"'Why, who are you?' she asked." 

A redheaded girl pointed and laughed. "You can't do girl voices, your voice cracks when you try." 

"You," he replied, "I shall deal with later. The small man bowed, 'I am merely one who hates to see a beautiful woman weep.' Hmm...he should just run her through and be over with it. Is it commercial time yet?" 

The director rubbed his temples. "This is public access television, Mr. Sephiroth. There are NO commercials." 

"When do we go potty then?" a little boy whimpered. 

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose. "Apparently 'we' just DID. Remove him from my presence!" The boy began to cry and was quickly escorted offstage by his mother. 

"Again, to make up for lost time, the girl gave the man her dead mother's pearl necklace, and in return, he spun the straw into gold. He returned the following night, and after she gave him her silver ring, he again spun the straw into gold. Everyone following me? We're now onto the third night, and again the strange little man has appeared offering his services. 

"'But I have nothing to repay you with,' she whimpered. 

"'Ah, not now, but you shall! Promise me your first-born son, and I shall spin the straw.' 

"Having no other course of action, the daughter agreed. When the king and his son saw that she had completed this final task, her father was released from prison, and she was married to the prince." 

"EWWW! I bet they kissed and stuff! COOTIES!" 

A chorus of "cooties" and "eww" resounded throughout the soundstage and Sephiroth had to use every ounce of his self-restraint to keep from casting Supernova and being done with the whole ordeal. 

"The prince and the farmer's daughter soon became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son-" 

"Wait, what's pregnant? Is that when the stork delivers the baby?" 

"No, it's when people have unprotected sex and conceive a child." 

"What's sex?" 

"Ask your parents." Sephiroth flipped through the rest of the book and sighed. "Thank Jenova we're almost done. Now, the little man came to the farmer's daughter, attempting to claim his prize, but the farmer's daughter refused. 

"'Fine then,' the little man smiled, 'I shall let you keep your son if you can guess my name within the span of three nights, starting tonight!' 

"The farmer's daughter ran off every name she knew, but the little man simply laughed and disappeared. The farmer's daughter, sick with grief, sent her handmaid out to the forest to fetch her some soothing herbs, and told her husband of their troubles. The prince immediately sent out his knights to record every name in his land. 

"While out in the evening, the handmaid spotted a strange little man dancing about a small campfire, singing 'Rumplestiltskin be my name' over and over, and laughing hysterically." 

"Sing the Rumplestiltskin song, Uncle Sephy!" 

"NO!" A whack, and another child was laid to sleep by Masamune. "Now, the third night was upon the farmer's daughter, and her handmaiden told her of the strange man she'd seen dancing the night before-" 

"I think you're rushing this story." A brunette boy adjusted his glasses and stuck his finger up his nose. 

"Hmmm...one can only wonder why I would be..." Sephiroth shuddered and continued. "That night, the farmer's daughter guessed the name 'Rumplestiltskin', and the little man began to shake and steam until he became nothing but dust and blew away, leaving the royal family in peace. THE END!" He slapped the book closed and glared at the camera. "Thank you for watching, when it's time to support your local public access channel, do NOT donate during my time slot." With that he stormed offstage, throwing the book at the director and shoving a doughnut in his mouth. "Never again will I sign my name to ANYTHING just to keep incriminating photos from the public..." 

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	2. The Ancient Garden

# **Home and Garden With Aeris**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

"Oh this will be so much fun!" Aeris clapped her hands together and gave a small hop. 

"C'mon, Aeris! Do we GOTTA help ya with this show? Cid and me got reputations to keep!" 

Aeris wrapped her slim arms around one of Barrett's ridiculously large biceps and gazed up at him, face glowing. "PLEASE, Barrett?" 

Barrett went through a few moments of merely shaking his free fist, then relaxed completely. His voice croaked out, barely a whisper. "...fine..." 

"ARIGATO!" Aeris happily tossed the two men folded bundles and skipped off towards the camera crew. 

"And we're on in three, two, one, GO!" 

"HI!" Aeris giggled and clutched her hands behind her back. "Welcome to my home and garden show! I'm your host, Aeris Gainsborough, and today I'll have help from two of the bravest, strongest men I know! I'd like you to meet B-" She blinked, noting that she was alone and smiled at the camera. "One second." A few crashes and yelps were heard before the little Cetra returned, two super-deformed and struggling men clad in pink, bunny covered aprons in her hands. 

"This," she raised her left hand, "is Barrett, and this," she raised the other, "is Cid. We're out in the garden today, everyone! I'm going to show you how to keep those pesky weeds at bay, as well as how to aerate the soil so those roots can get the oxygen they need!" 

"Why the *^&% did we let her talk us into this?!" Cid returned to normal as the brunette dropped them and led everyone out into the garden. 

"'Cause we're *%&^in morons! That's *%&$in why!" 

Aeris continued speaking to the camera, tying on her own apron and kneeling on the ground. "Now, when we pull a weed, we want to be sure to get all those roots so it can't grow back." She demonstrated then smiled. "Barrett? Would you like to try?" 

Barrett grumbled and yanked a plant out of the ground. 

"Ano...that was well executed, Barrett...but a rose bush doesn't count as a weed." 

"HA HA HA HA!" Cid pointed and rolled on the ground, miraculously managing to retain his cigarette in his mouth. "You *^&$in idiot! Ya can't tell the difference between a *^&%in flower and a *$%^in WEED! HA!" 

"It had thorns, smart $%%! I'd like to see you do *^&%in better!" 

Cid promptly pulled a large weed from the garden and smirked. 

"SUGOI! You're a fast learner, Cid!" Aeris clapped her hands together happily. "Now how about we move on to aerating the soil?" 

The three moved to a small patch of dirt, barren of any plantlife. "Now, in the following show we'll be planting all sorts of lovely plants, but first we must prepare the ground!" Aeris handed out matching Garden Claws and smiled winningly. "All you have to do is press this into the ground, twist, and lift. Then we'll-" 

"Like this?" Cid smiled and easily fluffed up some rich soil. 

"Exactly!" 

Barrett grumbled. "*%&$in show off..." 

"Why don't you give it a try, Barrett?" Aeris bent at the waist and smiled at him widely. 

"Yeah, try yer *%&^in hand at it. No REAL plants for ya to *%& up here, heh heh heh." Cid lit a new cigarette and grinned. 

"I think I *%&^in will!" Barrett pulled a chunk of earth and flung it at the side of Cid's head. 

Aeris blinked her wide, green eyes. "A...ano... That was...good...but try not to be so...enthusiastic next time..." 

"Yeah," Cid squinted at the large, gun-armed man before him, "do it more like THIS!" A new clump of earth flew in the air, striking Barrett in the forehead. The two men growled at each other and lowered their stances. 

"A...ano...Barrett? Cid? Ple-!" 

Suddenly, one of those "this station is having temporary difficulties, please stand by" signs appeared, gracing the screen for approximately 5 minutes. 

Aeris stood, looking dazed and confused, clumps of dirt covering her form, slight bits of vegetation in her hair. Half of her apron was missing, and appeared to have been bitten off. The two men were in an equal state of disarray, lying panting on the ravaged ground. The entire set looked as if a tornado had it hit, furniture, tools, and even the lower half of a plastic pink flamingo had been tossed about haphazardly. 

The Cetra cleared her throat. "Well thanks for spending time with me on this edition of Home and Garden...I...think I'm gonna go take a shower..." She began to walk off, then turned back, gesturing widely to the destroyed area. "I'm not cleaning this up." 

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	3. Nightcap

# **Nightcap**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

Vincent gazed dispassionately at the set before him. 

The director jovially clapped the ex-turk on the shoulder, grinning widely. "Well, what do you think of the set, Mr. Valentine?" 

"......" 

"I take that as a good silence?" 

Vincent slowly blinked and stared at the man from the corner of his eyes. ".....this set's color theme consists of pastels. I specifically asked for black and red." 

"Heh..." The man sweatdropped and backed off. "To be honest, Mr. Valentine, we were afraid we might lose you in the picture, considering black and red is all you wear and all..." 

"...If I agree to wear something...differently colored...will you paint this set correctly?" 

"Well...what else would you have in mind, sir?" 

"...a suit..." 

"Oh! Wonderful! I think that'll work! But we'll have to do that in the next show, taping starts in one minute! Everyone take your places!" 

Vincent sighed and gracefully sat down in the chair behind his large desk. He should never have agreed to host a late night talk show. NEVER. But for some reason, the idea had sounded strangely appealing only a week earlier. Glancing at the cue-cards in front of him, he prepared himself for the inevitable. 

"And noooooooow men and women of Nibelheim, it's tiiiiiiime for youuuuuurrrrr, NIGHTCAP!" The suddenly intensely bright stage lighting, and deep, resonant sound of the announcer's voice caused Vincent to jump inwardly. "Tonight's featured guests are Reno and Rude of the Turks!" 

Vincent groaned and looked skyward. _Just my luck..._ Regaining his composure, the raven-headed man turned towards the camera, his usual mask of emotionlessness. "Ladies and gentlemen...please welcome Reno and Rude." 

The two Turks in question strode into the room, grinning and waving like mad before plunking down into the two overstuffed chairs on either side of Vincent's desk. 

"Heya Valentine!" Reno smirked and twirled his electro-rod while Rude gave a simple nod of his head in greeting. "So what's the topic?" 

Vincent's eyes returned to the cue cards. ".....Fuel prices..." 

"DAMN! Aren't you pissed at Rufus? I mean, sure he's our boss, but the man's hikin' up prices faster than Scarlett can lift her skirt!" 

"....." Vincent nodded in agreement as did Rude. 

"I mean, look, if we gotta pay a little more, I understand that, right? But goin' up from 50 gil/gallon to 150 gil/gallon is freakin' ricoculous!" 

"...I think ya mean ridiculous, Reno." 

Vincent nodded again and Reno zapped Rude with his electro-rod. 

"...Well I think it's time for us to go to the audience for a reaction...is anyone at a microphone?" Vincent's eyes found a young woman with silver hair and a set of gleaming eyes poised to preach a mere 15 feet away. "...Yes?" 

"The fuel prices stink! But....you....dang, I can smell you guys from here, what are you wearing? Aspen or something? Wow, that's a beautiful smell.....almost as beautiful as you two......" 

Rude raised his eyebrows above the rim of his glasses and pointed to himself, smiling slightly. Reno immediately zapped him with the rod again. "Me an' Valentine, dumbass." 

The zapping proved a sufficient distraction for the young woman to leap the audience railing and glomp onto Vincent. "YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, I SWEAR!!!" 

".....Security....." 

Five strong men rushed out and began the arduous task of prying the girl from Vincent's form, finding they needed to manouver her in such a manner as to wriggle her downwards, towards his feet. Of course once they got her there, they required three crowbars to pry her off. That's not to say, however, that she didn't come away with a prize... 

".....?!" 

"Eh? What's wrong, Valentine? Ya look paler than usual, man." Reno cocked his head and rested his electro-rod on his shoulder. 

"My...my socks...she took my scooby doo socks! Those were my favorite pair, too! LUCRECIA! SHE TOOK MY SOCKS!!!" With that, Vincent crumpled onto his desk, lost in a sea of depression and muttering 'Lucrecia', 'socks', and 'scooby snacks' over and over again. 

"Huh...well guess that means me 'n' Rude'll end the show. Hope ya had fun...well we know ya did, we were on, ain't that right, Rude?" 

The bald man nodded. 

"Damn straight." The red-head grinned broadly. "Well, since it's the end and Valentine didn't give us the plug he promised, we'll do it ourselves! Reno and Rude's World O' Spirits'll be on Public Access Nibelheim sometime in the near future! Keep your dial tuned in and you'll see us again!" 

"...SCOOBY!!!" 

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	4. Spirits of the World

# **Spirits of the World**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

"Annnnnnd it's the lady's man! Gimme a call you fine, fine-" 

Someone off camera cleared his throat. 

The red head rolled his eyes. "Jeez, Rude, fine. Welcome to Spirits of the World, our little dive into the wide, wide world o' spirits." 

Rude nodded. "AKA, alcohol." 

"DAMN straight!" Reno grinned and winked at the camera. "But...still...ladies, feel free to give a call." 

Behind his dark sunglasses, Rude rolled his eyes. 

"Okay, here we go! All the way from Wutai we have a lil' somethin' called sake. You know, there's a great place out in Wutai called Turtle's Paradise. If you're ever in the area, it's Turks approved! Isn't it, Rude?" 

Rude nodded. 

Reno opened the large bottle and handed it over to his silent partner. "Here, man, you need to loosen up." 

Rude nodded and tilted the bottle to his lips. 

"Sake's fermented rice wine or somethin'...tastes different from normal wine. Doesn't it, Rude?" 

Rude continued to drink. 

"Yeah, so like I was sayin', tastes different. Now if ya ask me, you should always go with wine if ya can. Higher concentration of alcohol, gets that good ol' buzz goin' a lot faster than anything else...'cept maybe moonshine, but that shit'll fuck ya up. Ever seen Cloud Strife? Heh heh heh...I made a joke, Rude." 

Rude pulled the now empty bottle from his mouth and nodded. 

"Seriously though, moonshine'll do it to ya. If the maker doesn't know what they're doin' and ya drink it, you can go blind!" 

"I thought you went blind from activities involving certain magazines and videos...like the ones strewn about your apartment but aren't yours..." 

Reno smirked and shoved a new bottle at his friend. Obediently the large man began to drink. "Now what Rude's drinkin' is called Rum. It's made on some of the southern islands from fermented molasses. Enjoyin' that, Rude?" 

Rude's now flushed face nodded and he grinned. Reno opened the fridge and pulled out a six pack of beer. "Heineken...heh heh...hiney..." 

Rude dropped his empty rum bottle and his pants. "Hiney." 

Reno laughed and popped the top off of his beer via the countertop. "Now, beer's damn popular, and it's made from malt and water, and it's flavored with hops." 

Rude giggled and began to hop about the room like a frog. "Hops, hops, hops!" 

"Yeah, some monkeys used to make it so they could keep from starving to death while fasting...or...no...sorry, monks, not monkeys. Damn, you cue card guys need to write bigger or somethin'." 

Rude jumped on the counter top and grinned. "MONKEY!!!" He began slapping his ass, laughing hysterically. "SPANKING!!!!" 

"Damn, Rude, no more alcohol for you...Anyway, interesting fact about any grain based alcohol, if you have pollen allergies, you can react to the drinks! Damn I'm glad I ain't allergic...well I am to Scarlett, but she's contagious, heh heh...know what I mean, Rude?" 

The camera panned over to find Rude literally shaking his ass to a random radio song. He hiccuped and stumbled. "Hey! Re *HIC!*, Reno! You gotta come dance, man!" 

"Damn, Rude, I didn't think they'd give us such good quality shit..." The redhead twitched slightly and sweatdropped. "Hey...why're you giving me that look? Rude..." 

Rude grinned. "You're awful purdy, ya know?" 

"Purdy.....yeeeeeah.....ano...Rude...How about I go over here, and you go over there?" 

Rude pouted then began to advance again. "But then I couldn't kiss you, you big hunk o' burnin, burnin...stuff..." 

After looking around for help from the stage crew, and of course, finding none, Reno whipped out his electro rod. "Don't make me use this, Rude." 

Rude pounced and Reno jabbed him over and over, but considering Rude's size, and the heavy amounts of alcohol coursing through his veins, he merely giggled. "Are you trying to tickle me? Silly willie billie!" 

"Uh...um...er...HOLY SHIT! IT'S A TALKING GOAT TIED TO A TRUCK!!" 

"HUH?! STINKYNUTS IS HERE?!" Rude jumped off of Reno, looking for the said creature. 

"Uh...that's it for this show...uh...I...gotta go." Reno bolted like a chocobo with a tail on fire. 

Rude returned to the stage and blinked incoherently, his head throbbing. "The hell just happened here?" Scratching his bald head, he popped some Advil and exited the building, vowing for the hundredth time to never ever drink again. 


	5. Win Shinra's Stash

# **Win Shinra's Stash**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

A young man and woman stood on either side of the tall, cold blonde man, giving wary glances to the panther like creature seated behind him. The blonde flipped a few errant strands of hair from his face and smirked as the announcer's voice boomed out across the stage. 

"And now it's time to 'Win Shinra's Stash'! And here's your host, Heidiggar!" 

The large man waddled onto the stage, laughing loudly. "Gwa ha ha ha! Welcome to the show! Gwa ha ha ha ha!" 

The two contestants covered their ears, and the blonde frowned. "Stop that horse laugh, Heidiggar." 

"Gwa ha ha...ahem...yes sir...SO! Welcome to 'Win Shinra's Stash!' YOUR opportunity to win 50 million gil of our very own Rufus Shinra's money!" 

Rufus paled slightly. "50 million?" 

"Gwa ha ha ha! 50! 50 million! Gwa ha ha ha ha!" 

Rufus clenched his jaw. "Heidiggar. Stop. NOW." 

"Gwa...heh...so on with the show! Please meet our two contestants!" The bearded man gestured towards the male. "This is David Waldon, an item seller from Wall Market! And this is Anna Hardesty; she runs an inn in Costa del Sol! Welcome, Gwa ha ha ha-" He caught Rufus' glare and choked back his laughter. "And this of course is Rufus Shinra. He'll be playing to defend his stash. What you two fail to win, he gets to keep." 

Anna giggled and pressed her signaling button. 

"Um...Miss Hardesty, we've not started yet." Heidiggar shuffled to his podium and picked up his cards. 

She giggled some more and bounced. "HAI! I know, but I just wanted to be sure it worked!" She pressed the button again and grinned. 

Rufus' eyebrow twitched. 

"Heh...President Rufus, would you like to select the first category?" 

"Yes, I..." He turned his head to the still giggling and randomly signaling woman beside him. In one swift movement he pulled the signaler from her hands and set it on the podium in front of himself. 

"Hey! How am I gonna signal in now?" She pouted and put her hands on her hips. 

"Try raising your hand. I would like to select-" 

"But I LIKED my signaler!" A low growl rumbled near her feet and she jumped back, sweatdropping like mad. "Ano...but that's, that's ok! I'll raise my hand! No problem!" 

Rufus smirked and flipped the hair from his face. "The categories, Heidiggar." 

"The categories are: 'Quit Slapping Me on the Bundt Cake', 'Hors D'oeuvre in the Court', 'What's Under Your Robespierre?', 'I Don't Give a Flying Farouk', and 'Dear Diary, Everyone's Dead.' Which would you like, President Rufus?" 

"I'll select 'What's Under Your Robespierre'." 

"Gwa ha ha ha! This question is worth $1,000 gil. By what means was Robespierre executed?" 

David rang in. "Guillotine?" 

"Correct! The new category is 'Superman: Buns of Steel'! Gwa ha ha ha ha! You may select the next category!" 

"Let's go with 'Superman: Buns of Steel'." 

"For $1,500 gil, what was the name of Superman's home planet?" 

The girl raised her hand. 

"Yes, Miss Hardesty?" 

She grinned. "I was just stretching!" 

"Ah..." 

Rufus smirked and signaled in. "I believe the planet was Krypton." 

"Correct! Gwa ha ha ha ha!" 

"Heidiggar...I've warned you before about that laugh..." Rufus snapped his fingers and two men dressed in blue suits clubbed the fat man upside the head and dragged him offstage. 

"Oh pooh! Now who's gonna be the announcer-guy?" The female contestant pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest. 

Smooth music, accentuated by snapping heralded the entrance of a redheaded man with a blue suit. He smirked. "Well, well, well, here I am! And here's our very own Vanna!" He frowned and tapped his electro rod against the podium in an agitated manner. "C'mon, Rude, get your ass out here." 

"......" 

"Just do it! Jeezuz!" 

".....!" 

"DAMMIT RUDE!!! I will personally drag your ass out here in 5 seconds!" 

A large, bald, and goateed man reluctantly made his way onto the stage. Dangling from his ears were matching diamonds, and he was clad in a floor length, body hugging sparkly white and blue dress. He had on Lee press-on nails, dark sunglasses, and enough lipstick to choke a chocobo. "...I'm gonna kill you, Reno..." 

Reno chuckled. "Hey, they let you pick out the earrings, didn't they? Sides, all ya gotta do is flip the friggin' category cards." 

Rufus pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. "This has officially killed any libido I ever had..." 

"Heh, heh." Reno tapped the question cards on the podium and looked around. "Who last answered right anyway?" 

Rufus, keeping his eyes downcast raised a hand. 

"Ah, allrighty then! Which category ya want now? We got ourselves, move outta the goddamn way, Rude, I can't see through ya, ya know? Ok, now that bigfoot's over there, we got ourselves 'Quit Slapping Me on the Bundt Cake,' heh heh, I like that one, 'Hors D'oeuvres in the Court,' another good one, 'I Don't Give a Flying Farouk', 'Dear Diary, Everyone's Dead,' and 'Is that an Electro Rod in Your Pocket, or are Ya Glad to See Me?'...HEY! Dammit, Rude, put the real goddamned category up there!" 

Rude smirked and put up 'You Just Can't Beat the Meat in Midgar'. 

"HEY! I said put up the REAL one! Stop bein' a smart ass!" 

Rude raised a brow. "That _is_ the real one." 

"Oh...heh..." He cleared his throat and grinned. "Which one ya want, Rufus?" 

"I'll take...that 'Slapping' one." He gestured with his free hand, still pinching the bridge of his nose with the other. 

"Ok, heh heh...slappin' me on the Bundt cake...you get that one, Rude?" 

Rude nodded. 

"Heh heh...slappin' me on the...ok, for $2,000 gil, the Bundt cake pan was named for a fluted cake pan that originated in what city?" 

David signaled in. "I believe that would be Nibelheim." 

"Yep! Got it right! Ok, the new category is, dammit, Rude, how many times I gotta tell ya to move? Ok, new one's 'That's One Tasty Chocobo Pie'. Aww, damn, that's just nasty. Which one you takin'?" 

The girl raised her hand and jumped up and down. 

"Huh? Whatcha want, hotpants?" Reno grinned and gave her a long one time over. 

"The answer is blue!" 

"Uh..." Reno looked at the card, at the girl, at the card, and once again back at the girl. "Sure enough! Didn't even have to read the question, you're a smart gal. What say you and I go backstage and you can play with my graduated cylinder?" 

"Graduated cylinder? What's that?" 

Rufus groaned and gave serious consideration to banging his head against the wood in front of himself. 

David frowned. "Pardon me, but could you read the actual question?" 

Reno glared at him. "I could." 

After a full minute of silence, David spoke up again. "Well, are you gonna?" 

Reno smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "It look like I'm gonna?" 

"For the love of the Cetra, just skip the goddamned question and go on to a new one." Rufus began to rub his temples and lean heavily on his podium. 

"Jeez, ok, ok, ok!" Reno rolled his eyes and picked up the cards. "Someone pick somethin' then." 

"But I want to know what the question was." 

Dark Nation growled and Rufus' trigger finger twitched. "Just. Move. On." 

"Sorry, but no. Now, what was the-" *BOOM!* 

Once the smoke had cleared, Rufus seemed to have relaxed slightly. "Since Mr. Waldon has decided to leave the game, his money is automatically returned to the stash, and his turn goes to me. I'll select Hors D'oeuvre in the Court." He frowned and looked about himself. "Ano...where the hell's Reno? And that girl?" 

Rude tilted his head towards the backstage area where murmurs of 'chemistry', 'fusion', and 'yardsticks' were heard. "I believe the girl was frightened and Reno decided to 'comfort' her." 

Rufus smirked. "Well in that case, I win again, don't I?" 

Rude shrugged his massive shoulders and began tugging at something under his dress. "Damn pushup bra..." 

Rufus shuddered. "Then again...with that mental picture..." 


	6. Passionate Lunches

# **Passionate Lunches**

### _by Saralady_

* * *

Sickening elevator music began to play as the intro credits rolled, showing ridiculously fuzzed out images of all the main characters. Each of them was trying their best to look seductive, cutesy, or evil, depending on their character. After a grueling three minutes, the newest soap opera on Public Access Nibelheim, Passionate Lunches finally began. 

Rufus groaned and looked over the motley assortment of new employees. "All right everyone, I expect nothing but the best from all of you. Today the health inspector is coming, and I expect this place to shine and work smoothly as a well-greased machine. Is this understood?" 

The employees saluted and immediately went to take up their positions. The three waitresses, Tifa, a redhead, and silver haired girl began trotting about to each table, taking orders from the customers. Aeris stood at the cash register, grinning and bouncing slightly to some random tune she was humming. Barret and Cid were exchanging curses while filling in as the short order cooks, and janitor Yuffie was spending time wiping off the tables. 

The door opened, and Cloud waltzed into the diner, plopping down on a stool directly in front of Aeris. "Heya!" 

Aeris smiled and cocked her head. "Welcome back, Skip! You have any trouble with your last delivery?" 

Cloud/Skip grinned and shook his head no. 

"Great!" The Ancient girl held out a hand expectantly. 

Skip blinked at it, then slapped it and grinned again. 

"A, ano...Skip, I was hoping to get the money from the delivery just now." 

Skip blinked again. "Money?" 

Aeris sighed and gave the blonde a pitying look. "Skip, everyone's been over this with you time and time again. You are the delivery boy. You take the food to whoever ordered it, then they pay you, and you give the money to me when you return." 

"Oh yeah." Skip nodded and looked thoughtful. 

Aeris smiled and gingerly patted his head. "You'll do better next time." 

A silver haired waitress smiled at two men sitting at one of the tables. "Have you two decided on what you'd like yet?" 

"Hmm....you know, I can't really read what's on this menu...could you help me?" The redheaded man smiled guilelessly up at the young woman and his silent, dark sunglassed partner rubbed his temples. 

The waitress blinked a few times, then leaned over the man, pointing to an item. "Well, this is the ShinRa Super Soup Special, and-" 

"No, no, not that item." He grinned and pulled the unsuspecting girl into his lap. "THIS one." 

The girl looked shocked, stood up, smacked the man, and stormed off. The silent man fiddled with one of his earrings. "You lose more good waitresses that way..." 

"Oh shut up, Rude!" Reno zapped Rude with his electro-rod and pouted. 

"Skip! We have a new delivery for you!" Aeris sang out and handed Skip the Delivery Boy a new box of take out. "Now remember, deliver this food to the address on the box, and then bring back the money they give you, ok? You don't want Manager Rufus to get mad at you again, do you?" 

Skip grinned, nodded, and, well, skipped out the door just as a long-legged customer slid inside amidst a waterfall of silver hair and numerous catcalls from the rest of the clientele. 

Nurse Sephy sat down on a stool and shot the room a cool, semi-bored look. "Do you have a problem? It's not like every man can pull off this look, you know." He smirked and signaled for Aeris to come over. "Shishkebob Cetra! I'd like to order now!" 

"Don't call me that!" Aeris pouted and rubbed her stomach. "Well what do you want?" 

"I'll have a hamburger and some french fries." He smiled and folded his long fingers on the counter. 

"Okey dokey!" She smiled and turned to the back. Suddenly her soft, calm face reddened and contorted. "HEY! ONE ORDER OF *%&^ SHREDDED COW ON A BUN! BURN IT! AND ONE LARGE *$&%IN FRENCH FRIES!!!" 

"Excuse me, I don't remember asking for a large order of fries." 

Aeris sighed. "Well what size do you want?" 

"Small, please. I DO have to keep my figure you know." 

"Ok. HEY! SCRATCH THE LARGE *$&% FRENCH FRIES, AND GIMME A SMALL *%&^IN FRY!" 

"Make up you're *$&%in mind, woman! I only got two *$&%in hands, and one of 'em's gotta hold my tea, ya know?!" 

"EAT $#!* AND DIE, CID!" She turned back to the front and smiled. "Do you want anything to drink with that, sir?" 

"Mmm...diet coke. And on second thought, do make that a large fries, won't you Cetra-On-A-Stick?" Nurse Sephy smiled and batted his eyes. 

"Certainly sir! HEY, @$$%*^#$! THIS &!%&# WANTS A #&$IN LARGE ORDER OF FRIES AGAIN! AND A &##@^# DIET COKE, TOO!" 

A large black man stomped out from the kitchen, clad in a pink, bunny covered apron and glared at Nurse Sephy. "What *$&%in size you want, foo'?! I got as many hands as Cid, and I ain't about ta get ya somethin' only to &$^%in put it back! You catch my drift?" 

"GET YOUR SORRY @$$ BACK IN THERE, AND HELP CID COOK!" Aeris kicked Barret square in the bum and then once again applied her serene smile and began humming to herself. 

A figure in a trench coat slipped inside the restaurant and took a seat on one of the stools near Nurse Sephy. "I'll have a Caesar salad and a large lemonade, please." 

Aeris nodded, but frowned slightly. "Sorry, but I have to ask you this... You aren't planning on flashing us are you? We had that problem last time Reno came in wearing a trench coat, and we're all a little wary now." 

"Hey! I only tried it 5 times, ok? Cut a guy a break, and get me a new, cute, waitress!" Reno threw a paper plane made from his menu at Aeris. 

The figure in the trench coat chuckled. "I won't flash anyone." 

"Oh, okey doke." Aeris smiled, and screamed her order out to the short order cooks, who sent a volley of curses back her way. 

Skip the Delivery Boy pranced back in and plopped down between Nurse Sephy and the Stranger in the Trenchcoat. "Back!" Aeris grinned and held out her hand. "That was speedy, Skip!" 

Skip grinned back and handed Aeris a hand full of jellybeans. 

"Ano...Skip...you were supposed to get money, remember?" 

Skip continued to smile. "These are BETTER than money! These taste better when you eat them!" 

Aeris sweatdropped and twitched slightly as she watched Skip spin on his stool. "I'm not gonna ask." 

Nurse Sephy cleared his throat and tapped on Skip's shoulder. "May I have a word with you for a moment?" Skip nodded and followed Nurse Sephy over to a corner of the restaurant. Nurse Sephy fiddled with his nametag nervously. "Well, there's no easy way to say this so...Skip...Skip I'm pregnant." 

Dramatic music played and Skip blinked, then patted Nurse Sephy on the shoulder and trotted back off to his perch on the stool. 

Cid plunked down both Nurse Sephy's and the Trenchcoated Stranger's ordered items, then grumbled something about needing more *$&%in tea, and trudged back to the cooking area. The Trenchcoated Stranger poked at their salad with a fork, and came up with a half-smoked cigarette. They then promptly pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil and began to take notes, chuckling to themselves. 

Nurse Sephy sniffled as his mascara ran down his cheeks, and began to swirl the mixture of gunpowder and cigarette ash floating on top of his soda. The Trenchcoated Stranger chuckled some more, and continued to scribble on their paper. 

A redheaded waitress gasped and smacked Reno as he tried the "I can't quite read this, can you help me?" routine on her. 

"You lose more good waitresses that-" 

"Shaddap, Rude!" ZAP! 

A nearby janitor finished wiping off a table and smacked Reno upside the head with their mop. "You better get your act together, Reno!" 

Reno sneered at Janitor Yuffie and rubbed his head. "Sure thing, toots, soon as you stop stealing my materia!" 

Janitor Yuffie huffed and moved on to a new table just as a tall, quiet man sat down at the recently cleaned table. "I do NOT steal materia." 

"Yeah right! Where did my mastered Bolt materia go then, hmm? See if I let you fiddle with my rod anymore, you dirty thief!" 

"First off, you ASKED me to mess with that stupid rod of yours, and SECOND, you were too drunk to know whether you removed the materia or ate it!" She smiled smugly. "In FACT, have you noticed whose undies you have on right now? You were having a little trouble dressing yourself before you sacked out last night." 

Reno blanched, and excused himself to use the bathroom. Janitor Yuffie smiled smugly, and moved on to a new table as a girlie shriek sounded out. The redhead appeared a few minutes later and sat down across from his bald friend. "I thought my boxers were feeling a little too snug and silky..." 

Rude groaned, covered his ears and shook his head. "...too much information...." 

Aeris tugged on Skip's sleeve. "Skip, I need to talk to you about something... Can you meet with me in the corner for a moment?" Skip nodded and hopped over to The Corner. Aeris tugged on her bangs for a moment and bit her lip. "Skip...I...I'm pregnant, Skip." 

Dramatic music played again, and Skip grinned. "I can stick french fries in my mouth and bark like a walrus." 

Aeris broke down into tears and clasped her belly. "Please take after my side of the family. PLEASE!" 

The newly arrived man raised a pale, slender hand. "May I order now?" 

Aeris wiped her eyes and took up her spot behind the counter, stoically ignoring Skip bark like a walrus and Nurse Sephy crying and blubbering onto the Trenchcoated Stranger's shoulder. "Yes, sir, a waitress should be over to you in just a moment." 

Waitress Tifa bounded over to The Pale Man, and grinned, clasping her hands behind her back, and puffing her chest out into the air. "What can I get ya, sir?" 

The Pale Man sweatdropped slightly. "Ano...I'll take some milk, please." 

"Milk? That's it?" Tifa blinked. "You sure you don't want anything to eat?" 

The Pale Man watched the Trenchcoated Stranger pick some more cigarette butts from their salad and Nurse Sephy sniffle at the junk floating on his drink, sweatdropping slightly more. "Yes, milk, please. You do have it in cartons, don't you?" 

"Yep! I'll just go into the back and get you some!" Tifa smiled and headed towards the back, grabbing Skip's sleeve on her way. "Come help me, Skip!" 

"Ok!" Skip grinned and followed Tifa happily. "Do I get some more licorice?" 

Tifa smiled and closed the door behind her. "Not this time, Skip." She took his hands in hers, eyes sparkling. "I have tremendous news, Skip! I'm pregnant! Isn't that fantastic?!" 

Skip cocked his head. "Are you gonna have puppies? I like puppies." 

Tifa sweatdropped. "Ano...no, Skip, dear. I'm going to have a human baby! Yours and mine!" 

"Oh." Skip pouted and began to trudge back to the front of the restaurant. "I'd prefer a puppy." 

Tifa's lower lip trembled as she grabbed a carton of milk and walked back out to The Pale Man. She slammed it onto the table, effectively cracking it in two, and spilling milk everywhere. "THERE! I hope you enjoy your milk!" She turned and burst into tears. 

The Pale Man blinked at his soaked lap and decided to simply wait for the Janitor to return. He simply didn't have the energy to get up and move. He sighed dramatically. Life was so unfair. If your beloved wasn't off frolicking with evil scientists and giving birth to evil megalomaniacs, your milk was being spilled all over you. The Pale Man spiraled into a pit of depression and crossed his arms. "........." 

Barret growled. "Where in the hell's that damn Rufus?! I gotta ask him if I can leave early!" 

Cid leaned against a counter and lit a new cigarette. "Where the *$&% are you goin'?" 

"I...I got rehearsals!" 

"Rehearsals?!" 

"Yeah, smart @$$, rehearsals! You got a problem with that?" 

Aeris stuck her head back and glowered at the two short order cooks. "SHADDAP AND GET BACK TO WORK! MANAGER RUFUS IS IN AN AWFUL $#!%%^ MOOD!" 

"SHADDAP, WOMAN! WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR *$&%IN @$$ OFFA THAT CASH REGISTER AND MAKE ME SOME TEA?!" 

The Trenchcoated Stranger threw their drink back at Cid. "Make your own &*##@&! Tea for once, why don't ya?!" 

Aeris blinked at the Trenchcoated Stranger, then jumped as Manager Rufus burst out of his office, sending Dark Nation and Red XIII out. "And if you EVER get in another catfight in this establishment, I will cut back your catnip supply by HALF, do you understand me?!" The two cat-like beasts winced and slinked out of Rufus' office. 

The Trenchcoated stranger laughed with glee and scribbled on their paper like mad. "Oh, this is glorious! GLORIOUS!" 

Rufus sent a glare around the room, and then his eyes rested on Skip, who was currently sticking straws up his nose. "YOU! Come back here, NOW!" 

Skip eeped, then lowered his head and slowly entered Manager Rufus' office. Rufus sat Skip down and then folded himself into his chair, continuing to glare at the spiky haired youth. "What's this I hear about you not bringing back money from your deliveries?" 

"I...I brought back jelly beans this time! Those are better than money!" 

Rufus slammed a fist on his desk. "You are to bring back GIL! Not jelly beans, NOT string, and definitely NOT any mice! We're fully infested with those little things now, Skip!" 

Skip blinked. "But the mousies were soft. And they only ever bit Reno and Barret. They were nice mice." 

Rufus threw his hands in the air and moved to his door. "You have one more chance, Skip. Bring back GIL." He opened the door and sighed. "And one more thing...I'm pregnant, Skip. Now get your @$$ back to work." 

Skip nodded, and wandered out, bumping into the Trenchcoated Stranger. "You have mice, I hear?" The Trenchcoated Stranger's eyes shimmered. 

Barret yelped and stomped his foot. "Damn rodents! Cid, gimme that propane torch! I'll get 'em!" 

The Trenchcoated Stranger whooped with glee, and threw off their coat. Aeris screamed and covered her eyes, as did the rest of the females in the room. "Anyone recognize me?" 

Cid paused in his battle with Barret over possession of the torch. "S..SHERA?! What the *$&% are you doin' here, woman?! You're supposed to be making me some tea back home!" 

"Not anymore, Cid!" She grinned and pointed to her shirt. "See that? I'm a health inspector now, dear! And this place is about to be condemned! Cigarettes in the food, dirty, wild animals lounging about the place, mice infestation, and running about the room with a lighted propane torch!" She whooped with glee and Red XIII looked to Dark Nation. 

"Where are the dirty wild animals?" Red XIII swished his flaming tail about behind himself. 

Dark nation shrugged its shoulders and nuzzled its packet of industrial strength catnip. 

Barret stormed out of the door, wearing a pink tutu and delicate slippers. "Tell Rufus I had rehearsals, and I'll be back in a few *$&%in hours." 

The Pale Man's arm shot out and clicked a pair of silver handcuffs on Janitor Yuffie's wrists. "Enough of that, Miss, you're coming downtown with me." 

"What? EWW! As if!" She struggled and frowned at The Pale Man. 

The man pushed back his coat, and pointed to a gold star on his shirt with a metallic hand. "Sorry, Miss, but I've been investigating materia disappearances from this restaurant, and it seems you're the cause of it all." 

Janitor Yuffie's jaw dropped. "I'd like to see you prove it!" She attempted to jerk from his grasp, accidentally dislodging some materia, which dropped from her pocket and rolled across the ground. 

"HEY! That's my Bolt materia!" Reno glared at Yuffie. 

"And that's my Earth materia!" Aeris gasped. 

"And all of my Summon materias!" Tifa placed her hands on her hips. 

"Well." Sheriff Valentine cleared his throat and began to escort Yuffie out of the building. 

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Yuffie gestured towards Reno with her chin. "What about him? He's a friggin panty thief! Look at the tag on his undies! They'll have my initials!" 

"You initial your underwear?" Nurse Sephy snickered. 

"Hey! It's a good thing to do! Otherwise how will you know which is the front and which is the back?" Skip blinked and spun on his stool some more. 

Rufus stood in the back of the room, his face pale. First he lost his ShinRa Empire, now he was going to lose his pathetic little restaurant. Perhaps he should just set fire to the whole thing, and collect the insurance money. Whistling innocently, the former President reached for the propane tank. 

Yuffie jumped up and with a grin on her face, twirled the handcuffs. "HA! I may not have taken my rope escape classes seriously, but I took my 'Escaping from Handcuffs' lessons VERY seriously!" She ran through the door, laughing like mad. "Just try and catch me! I dare ya!" 

"......?!" Sheriff Valentine watched the hyper girl run around in circles. 

Music began to play, and a smooth, deep announcer's voice began to speak. 

"Will the materia thief ever be brought to justice? Will Rufus really set his establishment on fire? And if so, will he get away with it? Has Skip the Delivery Boy fathered anymore children? Will the Health Inspector really condemn the restaurant? Find out in the next episode of - Passionate Lunches." 


	7. Yuffie's World

****

Yuffie's World

__

by Saralady

"Gawd! I gotta do a show with HIM?!" Yuffie wrinkled her pert nose and pointed to Cloud with a thumb.

"Well, most shows of this nature have a co-host." The stage manager patted her shoulder, then moved off, calling over his shoulder. "Look at it this way, at least you're the one with their name in the title of the show!"

"Gawd." Yuffie glared at Cloud who merely shrugged and looked about the set. They both sat on a beaten up old couch, and behind them sat an obviously fake wood paneled wall. Before them was a scratched up little coffee table, supporting a pair of drumsticks and two mugs of water. Cloud picked up the drumsticks and began methodically chewing on one of them.

Yuffie looked into a camera. "I am NOT working with him."

The cue-card man sweatdropped and pointed to the on-air sign. "Oh, er…Yuffie's World, Yuffie's World. Party time, excellent."

Cloud removed the drumstick from his mouth. "You're supposed to sing that."

"Bite me, unicorn boy." She glared and stole a mastered Bahamut summon as he began to swirl the water in his mug with the half-eaten stick. "Anyway," she turned her attention back to the camera, "this is my little show, and here we're gonna show you guys some up and coming musical groups. Tonight we have a brand new band called Turk Fever. Wait, Turk Fever?! Dammit, who invited Reno and his half-assed wannabe rock band?!"

Reno walked on stage, followed by the rest of the Turks, including the believed dead Tseng. "Oh give it a rest, Ninja Chick! You know you came to see us play at the new Seventh Heaven last night."

"Only to get a good laugh!" She sneered and stood, ignoring the five materias that fell from her pocket. "Your guitar skills are laughable, Elena kept making eyes at Tseng and forgetting to even play her damn bass, and Tseng couldn't keep a beat to save his life!"

Reno glared. "I can't play? Who was saying I was great with my hands last night, hmm, Ninja Chick?"

Cloud leapt up. "Schwing!"

"Grossness!" Yuffie stole one of his drumsticks and hit him with it.

Elena blinked. "Oh, so you two are back together again? I thought after Yuffie caught Reno feeling up that one girl in the bar last week that you two had split up, or was it over getting caught with that girl in the weapons shop who was handling your electro rod?"

"WHAT?!" Yuffie began to throttle Reno, who dropped back and hunched over to try and protect himself. "Some girl was playing with your rod?!"

"ELENA!" Reno jumped behind the couch. "You talk to damned much! Yuffie, I was really getting my rod repaired, I swear!"

Tseng sighed and sat down at his drum set. "Speaking of, could we get on with the performance now?"

Cloud jumped up again. "Schwing! Schwing!"

Yuffie gave up on beating the holy hell out of Reno long enough to whap Cloud upside his spiky head. "Fine, whatever. Here's Turk Fever, what a stupid name for a band, playing their new single, 'Elena Talks too Much'."

Reno picked up his guitar, Elena her bass, and Rude stepped behind the microphone. Tseng gave a count of four, then all instruments began cranking out heavy, dirty sounding music and Rude opened his mouth. Cloud frantically began beating on his thighs with his drumsticks, looking like someone having a sugar fit. Elena suddenly stopped playing and grabbed the microphone from Rude. "HEY! Wait a minute!"

"Dammit, Elena! This is our big break and you're gonna spoil it!"

Rude looked hurt and tried grabbing for the microphone. Elena smacked his hands away. "Is this song about me?"

Reno sweatdropped, then slapped on his most charming grin. "You? Why would ya think somethin' like that, babe?"

"Well…how many girls do you know named Elena?"

"Oh lots! We know lots, of loud mouthed, never shuttin' up about private matters Elenas, right Rude?"

Rude tried again to retrieve the microphone and had to scramble across the room as Elena chucked it at a camera. "That's it! I'm out! Find someone else to join your damn pathetic band!"

Rude found the mic and sniffled, noting it was lodged in a cameraman's mouth. Cloud continued beating on his thighs like a madman till Yuffie smacked him upside the head again and took away his happy sticks. "Cut it out! Now, we're going to the phones to see what the viewers at home thought. Get ready to hear you suck, Reno!"

Yuffie hit the first button on the phone. "Hello, you're on Yuffie's World! What did you make of that poor excuse for a band, Turk Fever?"

"Ooh…well them, I didn't pay much attention to. I was distracted by you."

"Oh?" Yuffie blinked and stole some more materia from the unsuspecting Cloud. "What about me?"

"Mmm…those legs, baby, ooh!" The voice on the line began to breathe heavily. "Yeah, and that little shirt showing off that belly of yours. And those pants, unbutton 'em just a little more. Just a little more…"

Yuffie's jaw dropped. "GROSSNESS! YOU PERVERT!" She kicked the phone across the room. "Can't anyone screen these damn calls?!"

Reno came up from behind and stroked her hair. "There, there, babe. I won't let him getcha. I'll cover your back…and your front too." He grinned and began to stroke her side.

"Gawd, Reno, give it a rest, will you?!"

"Aww, c'mon! Can't ya forgive me?" He turned to face her and smiled with his deep blue eyes. "Ya know I could never leave ya."

Yuffie rolled her eyes, but he smirked, knowing he'd won her back yet again. "C'mon, babe, let's go somewhere." 

Everyone exited the set, save the crew and Cloud who was again chewing on his drumsticks. The cue-card man motioned to him and held up the "time's up" card. Cloud blinked at the camera for a bit, then leapt up again. "Schwing!"


	8. Cooking with Cloud

Public Access Nibelheim: ****

Cooking with Cloud

by Saralady

A pair of wide, vacant blue eyes met the camera lens. After a moment, music started, and the owner of the eyes was seen yelping and hiding underneath the counter, only one of his large, blonde spikes giving away his position. He shuddered there like a frightened, confused little woodland creature till the music stopped. Peeking out of his hiding space, he blinked at the camera then slowly stood and scratched his head.

"Um…hi…this is…uh….Cooking with Cloud."

Music played again and Cloud returned to his hiding space.

Offstage the camera crew coughed and one spoke up. "Cloud, we're on the air. It's time to cook."

Cloud peered at the stagehand, then looked at the ingredients already chopped and portioned on the counter before him. He reached for the largest bowl and began to tip it towards himself.

Immediately a sign came across the screen, proclaiming technical difficulties.

Once the show returned, Cloud was seen wearing not only a full bag of flour, but the empty cooking bowl on his head. He stared at the camera some more.

Another stagehand sighed and muttered to himself. "This is going nowhere, go ahead and bring out the girls."

Cloud gave a start as three bright eyed young women bounded out onto the set. The braided one giggled as she shooed the short, peppy girl's hands away from Cloud's materia, and the third one, who had a tendency to thrust her chest out so far it seemed her back would break, wore an outfit so revealing the director could feel ratings soaring already.

The braided one smiled and waved to the camera. "Hi hi! Welcome to Cooking with Cloud! We're his assistants for today's show! I'm Aeris, this is Tifa, and Yuffie is the one who won't keep her hands away from the materia!"

"Hey!…..Well yeah." Yuffie crouched down and scratched a thigh. "But he owes me from that damned Yuffie's World episode!"

Tifa frowned. "Why is it that your name comes before mine? I knew Cloud waaaaay before you did, you know."

Aeris smiled and leaned forwards. "Well, I was introducing us all. Doesn't the introducee tend to name themselves before their friends?"

Tifa grumbled something about a boot and an introducee's rear, but it was muffled by Aeris pulling Cloud back out from his hiding space. 

"Now, now, we have a show to do, Cloud! Oh my, you're a mess aren't you? We can't have you cooking and being so untidy! Let me just take care of that." Aeris cooed and wet a dishtowel, making for Cloud's face.

"Oh you know that'll never work! You have to corner him and have Cid and Barret hold him down if you want to give him a bath." Tifa jumped up from the stool she had bogarted, and the director counted up more ratings while the crew wondered how to get the show back on track. 

"Yeah! You gotta catch him off guard and hose him off like a chocobo at the zoo!" Yuffie grinned and darted over to the sink, grabbing the sprayer and letting loose on the unsuspecting spikey headed lad. "Yeaaaah! Clean off ya damn unicorn boy!"

Cloud grunted and tried to flee, but was tackled by Tifa. However, Tifa's tackle ended up sending both flying into Aeris, covering her with a mixture of flour and water. Aeris gasped and stared at herself in disbelief, while Tifa tittered, giving Cloud a chance to escape.

While Yuffie continued to hose off the disoriented, frightened Cloud, and Aeris tried to clean out her bangs, Tifa smiled at the camera. "I've just been told someone's on the phone. Hello, caller! Welcome to Cooking with Cloud!"

"Hello, hello, hello! I've been enjoying this show quite a lot so far."

Tifa grinned as she heard Aeris sniffling and complaining that her best dress was now ruined. "Well that's great to hear! I'm having a blast too!"

"Just one quick question….Why hasn't Cloud done that trick yet?"

"Trick?" Tifa blinked and munched on a piece of chopped carrot. "What trick?"

"Oh, he knows. Cloud! C'mon! Do the trick for me!"

Cloud perked up and bounded out from the corner he'd been cowering in. "Trick! Trick!" He grabbed the bowl of carrot sticks from Tifa and shoved two up his nose, then began to bark like a walrus.

"Oh grossness!" Yuffie squirted Cloud again.

Tifa immediately spit out what carrot was in her mouth and began coughing over top of the trash can. Aeris patted Cloud's soggy head and gave a pained smile. "That was very nice, Cloud."

The caller spoke up again. "One more thing, if I may."

"Hey, wait a minute…you sound familiar…." Yuffie stopped hosing off Cloud and frowned.

"Can Tifa sort of jump up and down for a bit?"

Tifa blinked, her skin slowly returning to a healthy color. "Can I what?"

"You know….jump…and can Yuffie squirt Tifa with the hose, then Cloud can rip off Aeris' dress, since it's ruined anyway and all, and then Cloud can dance in a g-string and-"

"PERVERT!" All three girls glared at the camera. 

"I DARE you to come down here and ask that in person!" Tifa raised a glowing fist, ignoring Cloud, who was in fact, dancing on the counter directly ahead of her while wearing a gold g-string. The director began to cry, knowing their ratings had taken a nose dive.

Aeris shooed Cloud from the countertop, and did her best to keep him from the remaining carrot sticks as Yuffie grabbed a super soaker and began to follow them offstage. Tifa straightened her clothing and cleared her throat. "Well since this show is an utter disaster, I might as well plug my own upcoming program. Be sure to tune in to see Tifa's Makeover Magic in the upcoming weeks right here at Public Access Nibelheim! Hope to see you there!"

Cloud yelped and dashed across the stage, followed closely by a cackling Yuffie and a concerned Aeris.


End file.
